I'm supposed to be indexing the new book Air Con, and putting the finishing touches to the next Investigate. But instead, I couldn't resist sharing some Irish wit on the climate change industry.
Students at Georgetown, America's oldest Catholic university, once produced a satirical magazine with the headline: "Every time you masturbate, God kills a kitten." Which, for the record, isn't true. It's puppies really.
That's how the Irish Independent's Eilis O'Hanlon began her column on Green scaremongering to kids about global warming.
The other day, I was driving to the shop when my six-year-old daughter suddenly announced that I shouldn't be taking the car because it kills polar bears.
"Polar bears?" I said.
Polar bears, she assured me. Well, it makes a change from kittens.
She'd heard about it in school. Too many cars equals global warming equals melting polar ice caps equals dead polar bears. St Thomas Aquinas couldn't have demonstrated a clearer link between sinfulness and suffering.
And yet I couldn't help being reminded about those kittens. It's such a loaded bell to ring. If you're naughty, bad things happen to cute little furry animals. Polar bears, kittens, meerkats: the principle is the same. It's all just emotional blackmail. Backing it up with scientific data about the effects of climate change on sea levels doesn't change the nature of the game. You haven't been able to convince people to change their ways by persuasion, so pile them up with guilt instead and hope that works. Or, better still, pile the kids up with it, and then send them home to nag their elders into green action, if only for a quiet life.
Having just dealt with this precise phenomenon in Air Con, it's reassuring to see this is a worldwide scam, not just confined to our neck of the woods. Having pushed the voluntary Bible in Schools programme out on the grounds of separating Church and State, its place has been quickly taken by Wiccans and Gaia believers masquerading as environmentally friendly educators.
Schools are by far the worst culprits when it comes to strident ecological evangelism. Teachers seem unable to get through a day without hammering at least one dodgy environmental slogan into captive pupils' heads. They're obsessed, even though most of them know less about the planet's ecosystem than I know about 17th-century Hungarian acrylics.
Recently, I've heard from my own and other people's children how they were told in school that Googling uses as much energy as boiling a kettle (that one, lifted wholesale from some newspaper article, turned out not to be true, unsurprisingly).
They've also been fed the lie that air travel is the biggest producer of CO2 gases (it isn't); that ferries are an ecologically friendly way to go on holiday (they're not); and that you should always buy local because it's less damaging to the earth (not necessarily, you have to take account of production methods as well as air miles, so it varies).
All of these statements were presented to them as incontestable facts, like gravity, when they're really nothing but political posturings hiding behind statistics, each one designed to ram home the self-hating message that industry and electricity and progress and big cities and capitalism and the wicked West are bad, bad, bad.
Why, I wonder, do we the public put up with a state education system that's fast becoming a state indoctrination system?
Schoolchildren are now force-fed these pieties across the curriculum, in history, geography, English, science, sociology and politics classes. Even in maths they manage to find a green angle. There's no questioning, no debate. It's a catechism which children are expected to repeat back unthinkingly. The only difference is that, in the past, these rules were presented as God's will, and now they're touted as Mother Nature's.
As for Al Gore's film about global warming, which contained so many scenes of intellectual self-love from the former US vice president that scores of kittens must have died during production, that's shown to kids so often they can probably recite it from memory.
It'll only get worse in the coming weeks, as schools stockpile all those little niggly factlets which have emerged from the latest climate change conference in Copenhagen -- you know, the one that thousands of scientists and politicians flew halfway across the world to get to, just so they could warn others about the evils of air travel -- then bring them out, one by one, to fling triumphantly at the defenceless children behind their desks. The Christian Brothers in their heyday didn't have this much self-righteous zeal.
It's too good. Read the complete version here.
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